sometimes i lose track of everything that i’m making. i think there was a time, when i was 16 or so, when i could probably sit down and name every beat or song i ever made. not anymore. i can’t even remember things i made even in the last week; sometimes even the day before. there’s a really big difference in how much more stuff i make now vs. when i was just a teenager.
these days i’ve been wondering if the emptiness i feel inversely correlates with how much i want to make. it’s been gnawing away at me lately. it’s not this crippling feeling and i’m not depressed, but ever since graduating from college the image of the ‘rest of my life’ lies before me. i think i was operating under this mentality that my life would end whenever i finished school, for good. everything beyond the convocation threshold wasn’t relevant to me because it would be so different and unknown, it might as well be a different person altogether.
in that sense, though, i’ve already died twice. once, when i moved from hong kong to toronto for university. and now again, graduating. that old college boy part of me is dead. it’s almost november and life has just carried on, and half of me is some kind of zombie that’s waiting to write last minute essays about the limits of our scientific paradigm, or some other hardly relevant thing to what i do. i’m waiting for the rest of me to die so i can just step forward and be some new me. i’m sure this is really normal and common. i’ve talked to some people, older, about it. they just laugh and tell me they’ve been there and that it’s going to be weird for a few months to a year and then suddenly you’re like, what was all that about?
i got home at 3 in the morning yesterday after a long day of writing demos with matt, rhys, and keffa. i couldn’t sleep until the sun was out and my upstairs neighbors ritualistically slammed the front door as they left for work. sleeping in has always been a comfort to me. it reminds me of all those saturday mornings where i could just exist and not drag myself to school. i like it when i’m not expected to be anything, or anyone.
i’m finishing my coffee now and then i’ll have to head over to the studio and see what we come up with today. the mix for the song that matt and i are putting out (as dear pressure, of course) is sounding really good. jared really killed it. i’m dying for it to come out. i feel like releasing stuff that i made in college is a way of letting it go, and that’s what i need to do right now.